Ever pick up one of your belongings that you haven’t used in a while and hear yourself say, “I like it but” and then put it right back? Chances are you heard the “I like it” part but dismissed the but part. And that is the type of internal diagloue that more than likely has you holding on to things that you don’t really need, don’t fit, doesn’t feel good, doesn’t look good, because of guilt, don’t have room for, is compromising other people’s spaces and is just plain ole not serving anyone.
These buts are the truth of how you really feel but aren’t willing to be honest with yourself about. To listen to your buts is to have to face reality. By facing the reality about something, someone or the situation means you have to make a decision to get rid of it or continue to live with what your spirit knows isn’t working for you. That in the end usually makes us feel worse. Whether we are willing to acknowledge it or not.
When I’m working with clients, I apply the strategy I call, “Looking for the big but strategy.” I will have them start going through their things and if it’s not an immediate decision, there is usually a story that gets told while they are deciding what to do with it. I’m paying attention to the story to see if the word but or hate comes up. And when it does, I know I’m listening to the story behind the story.
Sometimes all it takes is for the client to hear themselves talk out loud for them to realize the silliness behind what they are saying. It’s pretty comical when that happens. A small number of them will immediately dig in their heels and say something like, “I know I’m not using it but I’m not getting rid of it.” Many times they look at me and say, “Should I keep this or not?” What I am also looking for is the assuredness in their voice when they make the decision to keep something and if they use the word love. If both of those conditions exist, it isn’t even a question whether this person should keep it or not. Because that tells me that more than likely that item serves them in a positive way.
For those that aren’t ready to let it go right away, I suggest we at least take it out of their valuable real estate (areas that can be accessed most frequently) and store it away in an area where it will be looked at again in 3 months. I call this this the intermediate stage. You see in order to let something go you have to let it loose first. You can’t let something fall out of your hand if you have a tight grip on it. Your hand has to be open in order to let it go. Not going to happen with a clenched fist. Because I know many of my clients have issues with feeling like they are being controlled, I have found this technique to be effective. This way, they don’t feel like they are being forced. But gently nudged in the direction of eventually letting go.
It’s also typical that it may take three or four rounds of looking at the same item and maybe months in between each round before someone eventually looks at that thing through a different set of eyes and their buts have over stayed over their welcome. Many times I have to get everything organized first before we even begin the purging because they are simply just too overwhelmed to make any decisions. Once they see, say for instance, all 10 of their pink tank tops hanging together, reality sets in and then they are more comfortable making the decision to let it go.
So the next time you are going through your stuff and trying to make a decision whether to keep it or not, talk about it out loud as though you were telling the story to someone else. If you hear the word but or hate, keep going with the conversation. Instead of ignoring the but or hate stop and really listen to yourself. And make a decision. Don’t move on to the next thing until some sort of decision is made. Your decisions should be stay, go or put in the intermediate stage. That’s it. Not making a decision is also making a decision. That choice is the one that will give you the most headache in the end.